Woody Allen once said that sex was the most fun he'd ever had without laughing. But laughing and sex are not mutually exclusive. Horniness brings on undignified behaviour, and it is all the more fun if we are in on the joke. This blog is a celebration of the funny side of sex and the sexy side of humour. As an author of erotic stories I like to show that sex is more fun when it is playful and silly.

You can find my humorous erotic ebooks on I-Tunes, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and Smashwords. They are always free!!!

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Horny Planet Guide to Global Bonking : Fuck Me Friday


The day : Friday. The place : Funny Boners. The event : Fuck Me Friday. The prompt word : Sight.

Check out Aisling Weaver's site to read all about this event and check out all the exciting contributions. And, remember, we're writers, we're insecure, if you don't comment we'll assume you hate us. :oP

The Horny Planet Guide to Global Bonking




(The following are some brief excerpts from chapters in this most excellent travel guide).

Introduction

Travelling doesn't come cheap these days. You want to get more bang for your buck. You want to see the sights. But you want more. You want the experience of a life-time. You want an adventure. You want some photo opportunities that aren't safe for work.

With the help of this travel guide you will be able be the dirty foreigner in someone else's country for a change. Where is the nearest place to buy condoms if you get horny looking at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel? Is wife-swapping still obligatory among the Inuit? Which district in Tokyo has the cheapest used panty dispensers? Which clubs in Afghanistan hold Wet Burkha Nights? You won't find any of this in Fodor's or Frommer's. Our writers do dirty things in glamorous places so that you can too!


France


by Reg Northrop

Virtually all French people know how to speak English. But they won't speak English to you. They'll pretend they don't understand. I have my own patented way of dealing with this. I go up to the nearest Frenchman and ask, "Do you share your mother's prodigious talent for sucking cock?" If he kicks me in the balls then I know that he understand's English, so, once I regain my ability to speak, I ask him for directions to the tomb of Victor Hugo. If, on the other hand, he winks at me and replies, "Mais oui, mon cheri!", I make a run for it.

*         *         *


You can have a lot of fun in the Louvre. Malcolm the photographer joined Tracy and I for a bit of arty sight seeing. It was my job to create diversions to distract the guards. Meanwhile Malcolm snapped photos of Tracy licking the cocks of famous statues like Balthazar Keller's Adonis, Francois Joseph Bosio's Aristée, etc. Then it was Tracy's turn to distract the guards while I went around some of the female statues sucking nipples and licking pussies and butt cracks.

*          *         *

It was Tracy who insisted we fuck on the top of the Eiffel Tower. Whenever she sees something standing up straight and tall it gets her thinking.


It's actually easier than you might think. The view is so spectacular, who's going to be looking at anything else? I eased Tracy's skirt up and her panties down, unzipped my jeans, opened the fly of my y-fronts and slid in my rock hard six inches. (Well, hey, I'm a travel writer, not a porn star you know!) She leaned up against the metal railing as we looked down at the ant-like humans scurrying about below. All around us fellow tourists jostled us and snapped off their photos, but no-one noticed what we were doing. Tracy's juicy wet pussy massaged my hot stiffness. We had to be a bit careful not to move too wildly, but the excitement of the situation was enough to bring us to the boil pretty quickly. I owe my climax to a fat American woman who jostled me from behind at just the crucial moment, causing me to slam hard into Tracy's cunt and fill it full of jism. I staggered back in the throws of ecstasy, accidentally leaving Tracy bent over the railing with her bare arse in the air and cum dribbling down her legs.

"Now I know why they call it the Eyeful Tower!" exclaimed the husband of the fat woman.

The USA

by Bazza Kenneally

They call the United States "the Land of the Free", but in most cases, you'll find you do have to pay for things.

*          *          *

The first sight I checked out was the Statue of Liberty. I thought it would be appropriate to take a few liberties with a trio of Swedish backpacker chicks. They weren't too sure of what the inscription said. Their English wasn't good. I explained that it said, "This area is clothing optional." I introduced myself as the head of the Girls Gone Crazy empire and offered them $5,000 to streak around Liberty Island. Got some great footage of bouncing boobs and wobbling bums. I bet they are still checking the letterbox daily for that cheque.



*           *          *

"Just because we're at Mt. Rushmore doesn't mean it has to be a quickie," I quipped to Pam, the hot brunette cougar in whose RUV I'd hitched a ride.


"I don't do quickies," she informed me with an evil smile as she locked the door and pushed me down onto the bed. "You really should be careful when you hitch a ride. I'm a serial killer. The badlands of America are strewn with the unmarked graves of men I've fucked to death."

I'm not sure she was kidding. She was the most uninhibited woman I'd ever met. When she picked me up she was driving naked with a vibrator buzzing away in her pussy.

"Mind changing the batteries for me?" she asked. "By the way, the name's Pam."

Several times she got stopped by the police for driving erratically while orgasming. She never got a ticket. But those cops sure got their cocks sucked.

She had more energy than I did, so I lay back on the bed and let her ride me cowgirl fashion. She had nice big tits, a bit droopy, but that just made it all the more exciting to watch them swaying back and forth as she fucked me. Her hairy pussy slammed down over my cock again and again until finally I spurted deep inside her. Then she sucked me back to erection again and fucked me all over. When I couldn't get it up a third time she cuddle up to me and talked dirty in my ear while she masturbated herself to orgasm another five times. That's when I fell asleep. When I woke up she was just coming in the door. She explained that, after I'd fallen asleep, she dressed and headed to the local country and western bar where she hooked up with the band and went back to their place for a gang bang.

Thailand

by George Armstrong

The Thais are very open-minded about sex. In fact it is enshrined in their Constitution. Article 53, paragraph 65, says "It doesn't matter what you do sexually, as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the elephants."


This doesn't mean you are not allowed to have sex in the streets. When this article was tested in court it was found that two things were needed for such an act to be illegal - 1. That it take place in the street - and - 2. That it frighten at least one elephant. Don't frighten any elephants and you can do what you like in the street. Thai elephants are themselves pretty broadminded and not easily frightened by human sexual activity, however, if you are planning to try anything outlandishly kinky, it might be best to slip any nearby elephants a couple of valium just to be on the safe side.

*          *          *

When attempting to pick up in Thai nightclubs the issue of gender identity can crop up. It is important to remember that not everyone in a Thai nightclub who has a penis will necessarily be a ladyboy.

*          *          *

Clarice was an American tourist I met at the hotel. She'd come to Thailand to learn the art of Thai massage. I met her on my last evening.

I was sitting in my room working on my notes for this chapter while sipping at a scotch on the rocks when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," I called, expecting it to be a member of the hotel staff come to remind me about when I had to check out the next morning.

In walked Clarice, a fresh-faced blonde with rosy cheeks and pig-tails, wearing a tie-dye t-shirt and harem pants.

"I'm just going around the hotel getting to know my fellow guests," she explained. "You don't meet anyone new if you don't make an effort to mix."

"I'm very glad to meet you," I replied. "Are you enjoying your holiday?"

"Very much so," she explained. "I came here to learn massage and I've learned a lot. Would you like to be one of my test subjects?"

And that is how I ended up laying back on the bed stark naked with an equally naked Clarice pummelling and pressing my every muscle.

"Can I confess something?" she asked, blushing.

"Sure," I said.

"I love masturbating guys," she giggled.

"You're not just saying that because my cock is in such obvious need of relief?" I queried.

"No," she told me as she wrapped her fist around it and began pumping it up and down. "I checked with the staff about which single guys are leaving tomorrow and I'm going around making sure that their holidays have a happy ending!"



The End

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